As the days go on, it’s been increasingly difficult to get the challenge posts out on time.
Why? I chose this struggle for myself as a way to ensure that I was breaking fully from my existing pattern of writing sporadically and only when in high states of emotion. This recent explosion of comfort with my written words has been years in the making, life and creative blocks have been unkind – so while I’ve been enjoying writing again – I have this nagging fear in the back of my mind that I’ll slip back into the quiet coldness of my Vishuddha being closed again.
That in of itself is part of what I’m trying to repair. I should simply allow myself the pleasure of delighting in me but here I am, worrying about the future date when I’ll lose it all.
What’s causing all this friction? Well, I don’t like being micromanaged – it’s a pet peeve. Committing to a daily posting challenge when you’ve been on creative binge without any structure and floating in it – was probably not my finest moment but it allowed me to get here.
I’ve been so emotionally, spiritually and mentally open that the closed nature of the questions and the challenge were too surface for me to create from the place I was already in.
I’m thankful that I was able to recognize that and still gave myself room to try – to navigate those parts of myself in thought and feeling – maintain the creative space I was in and try to work the challenge in when I felt it was appropriate without having a mental break down about being a failure for not doing something that I selected and chose to do.
Tangible evidence of my growth in real time.
I love it here.