Today, as comfortable as I’m learning to be in my own skin, I reached out to someone I previously said I would no longer speak to. There wasn’t any more of a reason than usual. I care. This is my greatest strength and my most easily exploited weakness.
I have a tough time thinking that someone doesn’t like me or even love me when I feel nothing but warmth for them. I have an issue with letting go, I believe that everyone deserves a chance and usually I give more chances than necessary. I only exert tough love when I am completely certain that the butterfly will come back home at some point in appreciation.
The person in question, was someone I was very close to. Some one I shared my secrets with, my culture, my food, my story, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my failures and my flaws…when I trust someone this much to even come close to opening up, I do think that in a way I expect a lot in return. I expect a friend…I expect that the person I, the most pessimistic person I know…decided to confide in is going to a be a part of my future experiences. When it doesn’t work out that way, I get very disappointed and angry. Angry because I chose to let someone in who clearly does not care about my feelings nor considers them and disappointed because it happened again.
Still, I never wish the other half of my failed friendships and relationships ill will, my only hope is that I was an instrument (even if it is in hindsight) to teach love and understanding and one day, they will be supportive and loving and helpfully constructive with the people they currently have in their life.
With that said, I’m not longer checking my inbox every second to see if they responded. I will, in confidence, even if I have to shed tears over the loss of this closeness…be collected and still continue to send nothing but love out my heart. I’m okay with goodbye if that’s what it needs to be, I’m okay with a renewed hello if its possible but I don’t have any hopes because my heart was already broken…and the only thing depression is good for…is writing. LOL.