All relationships change as we grow; we either hold ourselves open to that possibility or we contend against inevitable stagnancy.

I was struggling with reading the way I used to; reading every single book in existence wasn’t sustainable. Finishing each book I started, when I started it didn’t always fit. Being hard on myself for losing interest in a book or an author I’ve previously enjoyed became the norm. Thinking about reading and how far behind I was started to stress me out.

Narrowing my choices black and brown authors (#WeNeedDiverseBooks issa movement) didn’t lessen what felt like an ever growing list that I could never fully touch. I was overwhelmed with how many new choices there seemed to be daily (good thing) and how outside of the know I felt along side the newer reviewers, writers and book communities.

Then there was a move. The dissolution of a relationship and a few friendships. Depression. A Pandemic or three. Taking my ADHD diagnosis seriously.

I could no longer stay up 3-4 hours a night to read, every night. I couldn’t check off 2 books on my TBR every week. I didn’t have time to keep up with annotating, reviewing and maintaining my lists.

I felt like a bad reader, I’d lost the plot.

I was no longer the girl that showed up everywhere with a book. I couldn’t always focus on the story. I’d changed. A lot. So it should have been no surprise that I needed to revise my approach to my first love; reading.

I started the year strong, or so I thought. There was an incest scare. *sighs in Dark Romance* We (the reader) all knew that in order for the book to have a happily ever after, it could not end that way but I was incensed that it was even presented as an option for speculation. I struggled to finish and knew that it would be the last time I put myself through that. I knew that if I continued on, I’d fall even more out of love with reading so taking action was necessary.

After wallowing for a bit, I made a conscious decision to approach reading in a more intuitive way. How could I make reading more mindful and how could it help keep me present? If I was trusting God/The Universe to send me messages and lessons in real time – then I could easily reframe “bad starts” to – “this isn’t what I need right now, let me try something else” without thinking I’m the worst person in the world.

Bibliomancy, but make it fancy.

With that in mind, I wiped the slate clean. No more 50 book a year challenges, no more stressing myself out about the length of my TBR. I decided to follow Cinz’s BookClub picks because she focuses on the kinds of stories I like and from authors in the diaspora and I was already a fan of hers. I wanted to get back into the habit of reading so I wanted to at the very least read one chapter a day or seven per week. No real plans for reviews; just committing to enjoying highlighting and sinking in to whatever I was feeling.

We were going to start anew with none of the weighty expectations of a me that no longer exists.

The January pick was How to Say Babylon; but, I was not ready to read a memoir that dealt with Daddy issues, so after not vibing with the first chapter I listened to that voice and started with the February pick; The Secret Lives of Baba Segi’s Wives. I was enjoying it so much, I almost forgot that I bellyached about the January pick so long, there was a whole new one. The affirmation was sweet and I was sold on this new method.

So far, this year I met and exceeded my humble goal of 15 books. For reference last year, I finished 7 books. In 2020 I read 53. Note: I now count my re-reads toward my yearly total because books change so much with the lens and weight of experience but I still do not count my academic reading toward my goals.

Is it easy? No. My currently reading on GoodReads is a mess. I have quite a few titles that are 2-5 chapters in, that have lingered in in the background for months as I buy and read new books in their stead.

I also missed the physical interaction; there was a time in my life where Barnes and Noble saw me almost every single day during my lunch break. I started going to the library, book stores and thrift stores like I used to before the panoramic; even if it was just to get into the habit of exploring and tucking the memory of a tagline or author in the back of my head. I still miss the easy accessibility I had to book signings and book events in NYC but…

But. BUT, reading has started to feel like home again.

I’m behind and that doesn’t seem like a curse when I say it. I’m happily playing catch up; I have read such amazing books this year that I struggle to rate them above each other. How do you compare Babel and How to Say Babylon? You don’t. You write reviews and recommend everything loudly to your friends instead. You rediscover your love for language and the limits of your empathy in their pages and you smile. You find much needed succor in the fact that for better or worse, words will take you everywhere you need to go.

Sincerely,
A satisfied reader.