Venting

I’ve been struggling with my thoughts, the amount of conflicting emotions I feel at the same time and between keeping family ties or confirming my future family.

It has been a whirlwind trying to keep everyone happy and sated, I feel like I can’t do anything right and just at the moment where I feel like I need to take some time out for me, I get pulled in every direction. I never get the opportunity to choose, everyone has a reason to demand my presence, no desire is allowed to build up inside of me to supplement that demand.

How can I work out the helplessness that I feel with my depression, the thoughts of whether or not I belong on this plane when I’m making no move toward recovery other than acknowledging that I need serious help. Going into therapy is an admittance that I’m not as strong as most people believe me to be, I’m not as strong as I like to imagine that I am.

The person that most people meet is nothing like me. I’ve noticed that I change depending on who I’m talking to…more hood, more reserved, more perky, full of smiles…I’m so convincing sometimes that I lose myself in who I want that person to believe I am. I’m completely open with one person, my soulmate who sees through the mask, but what happens when he tires of me?

The family wants me attached, more so than I understand to be. I want to have my own family so that I can do things different, so I can have things be for my child, for my children, in my household different than it was when I was growing up. Like in a way, I could prove that all those years of silent suffering were not my fault or that I could be a better daughter, niece, cousin and whatever else if I can do it better this time around.

So, what’s the order of things? Where do I start? When can it all end? I can’t go back to ignoring my feelings and suspending all belief that love is for me. I’ve found it, I have it, I have to cultivate it…but how?

Eh, I need to schedule therapy…

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